I hope you all are well,
All my love,

American Girl

As you may recall, in my last post I’d given all of you an e-mail address in which you could send me questions or comments regarding bulimia or whatever you chose. I did get a little bit of feedback and I appreciate those of you who had nice things to say. However, I did get some nasty mail from a few individuals who shall remain anonymous. I do want to address what they have accused me of though, so the topic of this post will be the subject of bulimia and me being okay with you going ahead and doing it.

Like I have said in many a posts in this blog, I am a struggling bulimic. I was unhappy with my body, I hated every thing about it. I’m Polish so I have those baby giving hips and sharp curves, I’m a woman who really is not meant to weigh less than 130 pounds. But, I was heavy, not obese. It made me depressed, because it wasn’t just me who took notice. And it’s normal to be picked on at school by all of the skinny stick bitches who have the sexy football playing boyfriends, and it’s normal to go home and cry about it and look in the mirror and hate yourself. But that’s where the problems lie; we look at ourselves in the mirror and plot a change that doesn’t happen. We lay in bed and tell ourselves that we will take the initiative and lose weight by eating better and exercising. But, we don’t keep to it. Sadly, this is what I’d come to realize. I noticed that whenever I made a promise to myself it was ruined by a delicious platter of food. Beautifully crafted food that was so accessible and so easy to feast upon without realizing what I truly was eating. I was eating the fat that I hated on my body. I was condoning it, I hated myself but I condoned it. And then, it hit me, like a bolt of lightning to the forehead, I could eat all of this and I could just vomit it all up. I could feel the satisfaction and joy of eating those delicious things and also get rid of the guilty feeling I’d always felt afterwards.

Now, bulimia is not something to be taken lightly, I want you all to know that. It’s not something I approve of, but it’s not something I can’t speak well of. True, it may have gotten me sick a few times, it may have caused my hair to fall out a little bit, or my teeth to slightly yellow. But, I got the outcome I desired. I got a body to die for. That was some of the confusion in the e-mails, that I was approving of bulimia. I don’t, not at all. But I do believe that it’s something of choice, it’s all up to you! Like I’ve said before, if you want to be bulimic I really and truly will help you. I will give you advice and guidance so that you don’t end up as one of the normal bulimic people, you will be able to hold back and know the tricks of the trade. I don’t want you to be bulimic, but if you choose to be, I want you to do it right and treat it right. Because, one wrong move and you could end up in a lot of places you don’t want to be. So keep your friends close, and me closer, because I will help.

Bottom line is I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and hate who you are, but I also know what it’s like to look in the mirror and love who you are. And I’ve got to tell you, loving who you are is a hell of a lot better. The thrill of literally seeing weight fall off of you is like a high, to go into your favorite store and buy clothes 4 sizes smaller and catch the eyes of the cutest guy at the supermarket or a restaurant is exhilarating. I’ll admit, the first thing I did when I hit 110 pounds was run out to my favorite clothing store and buy the shortest, cutest dress there. It’s a white sun dress, to my mid-thigh, maybe shorter, and it haltered and x’d in the back, simple and white. I paired it with a cute strappy flat sandal and went to the summer carnival in my town. I straightened my long red hair and put on some light make up, just enough to catch and eye, and let me tell you…I caught a lot of eyes. Up until that moment I had no idea what it was like to be stared at, or to feel lust being thrown in your direction and it feels amazing. Maybe all of this sounds vain, but, if you only knew…

All my love,
American Girl

P.S. Don’t forget to e-mail me at reallifebulimia@yahoo.com

So, if you have any questions, or just want someone to talk to feel free to e-mail me at:
reallifebulimia@yahoo.com

I know, I made it really simple. But, go ahead and e-mail me, I’m not afraid to answer any questions. And if I deem it important enough I might even write a blog about it. Your information and questions or responses are completely confidential!

But, as you all know, I’m making a recovery from being undesirably ill. That, however, does not stop the bulimia. I threw up for the first time in 2 and a half weeks today. Can you believe that? Having mono, is bad enough, but purging on top of it makes life even worse. I have, unfairly, lost weight as well. When I was in the hospital I weighed 100 pounds, I know it’s sick, and this morning I weighed 99. I’m 5’7 and 99 pounds. Like I said in the last post, I’m going to work on gaining weight back because I realize that this is sick. I do have good control over my bulimia but, I believe my body just wanted to experience the feeling of vomiting to prove to itself that it can still do it. There you go body, you happy now? I have discovered a good way to kill the want to vomit since I became ill, and they are Immune System Support tablets from Target, they’re like Airborne, but cheaper. And I’ve been taking them in the morning in just a glass of water, it’s orange fizz flavored but it’s pretty enjoyable on a sore throat. I believe that it’s the carbonation that keeps my stomach from saying “all right, let’s go.” So, go ahead and try that and tell me if you have any results!

I hope to hear from you all,
All my love,
American Girl

I just re-read that, and it makes it look as though I’m being supportive and giving you advice on being bulimic…that’s not what I want at all. I have thought about this a lot you know, what I say on here and what I give you. The thing is, if you want to be bulimic and lose the weight rapidly I can’t just turn you down and tell you “You’re killing yourself” because the fact of the matter is if you control it right, it’s really not that harmful. If you take the necessary precautions, you only throw up the bad stuff you’ve eaten etc. The main difference though between me and the normal bulimic person is I didn’t go through the stress and depression like most did. I may have had a few downfalls and such but when you look at the outcome it’s not all that bad. Do I need to gain a little bit of weight and be healthy? Yes. But I feel that bulimia has gotten me a beautiful body, and a bigger realization of my own tolerance. I cheated and I took the easy route; I could have dieted for months and months and exercised but I decided to malnourish my body instead. It comes down to choice, if you choose to become bulimic do it the right way! I can help you, really I can. I can give you all of my secrets to ruling the bulimia and not letting it rule you.  You just have to tell me, I don’t want to sound like I think I’m the Yoda of bulimia, but I do feel I have a strong understanding of the disease and just want your experience to be as swift and great as mine was.

All my love,
American Girl

So Wednesday, we got the clear mono diagnosis and also some low grade pain medication for my throat and a steroid pack to keep my energy up, because mono eats away at your excess energy, aka I’m permanently lazy these days. This morning, I woke up groggy and sick to my stomach, my worried doctor told me to go immediately to the ER because she was concerned my spleen had burst, which can happen with the virus. I rushed in with my family only to be treated for dehydration. When I was asked why I hadn’t been drinking I told them to look at my tonsils and they would understand. So, now, I have a very strong liquid vicodin and have to go in Tuesday to be pumped full of liquid again. Another thing that the hospital did that I wished they hadn’t was weigh me in front of my parents. I was able to blame the low weight, 100 pounds, on the fact that I’ve been sick and haven’t been eating. Still, I could see the worry in my mothers eyes; she even tried to bribe me with a cheeseburger when we left. To be honest, if it didn’t hurt that bad to eat she probably would’ve been successful. I’m insanely hungry! I probably haven’t had a real meal in 5-6 days. It just hurts to bad! My tonsils are completely covered in a white-green puss..which sounds gross, I’m sorry, and the swelling will just not go down. If anyone else has had mono in the past and can tell me anything at all about it, I’d really appreciate it!

Sorry that this post wasn’t really about bulimia, I haven’t been that active with it since I haven’t been eating, plus, the idea of throwing up my burning stomach acid does not even sound appealing the way my throat feels.

All my love,
American Girl

How does this link back to bulimia? Well, the infection that allowed the bacteria to grow so rapidly was from me vomiting and weakening my tonsils to the point where it became easy for something to live there. Just another side effect of my sad, sad life.

All my love,
American Girl

1. Moodiness, the person in question has anger issues, and can switch from happy to angry at the drop of a hat.
2. If they’re new to being bulimic, they go to the bathroom after EVERY meal. And, sometimes, they will go a few minutes after, again, because they feel they have forgotten some.
3. They’re tired. You can see the bags under their eyes, and they have a lot of trouble staying awake doing easy tasks.
4. They complain about how “fat” they are constantly, to the extent where you really want to shout at them.
5. You can visibly see weight falling off of them, if you don’t know them that well you can always check out their old pictures if they have facebook, myspace etc. The first place you will see a change is in the neck, and the chest.
6. Cough drops and sore throat drops seem to stalk them. Especially if they’re just starting, beginners go through pain, which is why they usually stop after only a week. I prefer cherry halls, because it can also help to induce vomiting.
7. While they may be losing weight, they don’t talk about it, and deny your accusations because they don’t want to be discovered.
8. They stop eating out as much, because they realize that it’s almost like throwing up money.
9. When they come out of the restroom, it looks as though they’re crying, or they were. This is caused by the strain from vomiting. If you call them out on it, they’ll say it’s allergies, that’s what I always say.
10. If you are dating someone who is bulimic, they will be less sexual; I hardly ever wanted to have sex after  I started. If they’ve been bulimic for longer than a few months the desires come back.

That’s really all I can tell you, if you truly believe that someone you love is bulimic, confront them. They will deny it to the ends of the earth but if you can reach them, get through to them, you can save them. I wish someone could have saved me.

All my love,
American Girl

What I find myself worrying most about is switching from bulimia to anorexia, it seems as if it would be so much more easy, but I know how much more dangerous it is too. But with Becky knowing my problem she can watch it and track it, leaving me with no choice but to suck it up and deal. I’m at 104 pounds today, putting weight on is much easier than taking it off.

I spent the night in his dorm room last night, let us nickname him too, shall we? Hmm…Eric. Eric kissed me. He says we need to take things slow but that he wants something between us. He tells me how he’s never met anyone like me, and that that’s saying something because he has met a lot of girls. I tell him that I want the same things he talks about, the sensitivity in his arms is unfathomable. He holds me so tenderly that I feel woozy when I get up, as if the softest place to lay is with him. I know it sounds so corny, but I really have never felt this way. One touch and I get shrouded in goosebumps up to my neck. He still talks about my weight, and that it looks unnatural. He jokes about how he can touch his thumb to his pinky when he wraps them around my wrist…I suppose that is unnatural. I have yet to tell him, I’m afraid, I really am. Especially now that I’ve lied to him about it. I’ve reassured him so many times that I don’t have an eating disorder and that I’m just naturally this thin. It hurts me to lie to someone, especially him. I care for him so much, mainly because he cares for me so much.

I sound so inexperienced when I read that back to myself, to sum it all up, 2 months ago I got cheated on by the guy I’d been dating for 3 years. I didn’t know how to react to that…that was in the middle of my bulimia peak, I had lost 40 pounds by then and all he couldn’t keep his hands off me. We were engaged too, well, it was more of a promise ring. We had plans, he was two years older than me but he was going to transfer to the school I finally decided on, we had actually leased an apartment so we could live together. His family was like my family, they took me to Europe, Mexico, skiing in Colorado for Christmas. And my family did the same for him. We were inseparable. We had planned our life, we weren’t like the other couples that fought all the time and talked badly of one another. He was, for lack of better words, my life. And then it crashed. One night and it was over. The love, the affection, the plans, the memories, they were all tarnished with the idea of him with another girl. The girl that apparently opened his eyes to what love could really be like. I didn’t sleep for 2 days after that, I cried all the time. In fact, I still cry from time to time. I don’t think you ever get over something like that. To sum it all up, my trust for men is lacking. Especially since a week later he called me and told me he was sorry and that it was a mistake and he couldn’t live without me. I told him that it was too late for that. We haven’t spoken since. I wonder sometimes what would have happened if I had just jumped back into his arms and said okay…

Oh well,
All my love,
American Girl

P.S. My viewers are going up, so thank you so much, please don’t be afraid to voice your opinions or ask questions, I’m happy to answer them.

My roommate knows. She wasn’t in the room, when I went into the bathroom to carry out the end of my bargain with my body. When I emerged she stood there in front of the door, staring and stern. She sat me down and said I had to fix this. I told her I was trying, I really was. She said that it didn’t sound as if I was. She’s put a sign on the door to our bathroom that says, “What will you do? What are you trying to fix?” She told me that I’m killing myself…I know that. What is she hoping to accomplish? To make me feel guilty? I already do. She’s sweet though, we’ll give her the alias of Becky, to keep up the anonymous persona. She googled and wiki’d bulimia and has started making me smoothies in the morning, she says that they’re easier to keep down. It seems to be helping, I hope it does.

I met a boy, he puts his hands on my waist and says he could break me in half. I tell him I have a high metabolism and can’t put weight on no matter how hard I try. He tells me of his sister and how she used to be anorexic and looked the way I do. He asks if I’m lying to him, and I lie again to say no, that I’ve always been this way. I’ve known him since I cam here, he says he sees the same things, that he wants to help and I reply that there is nothing he needs to help me with, that I am fine. It gets repetitive, he is like my mother, overbearing but parts of me hold onto him, like a child. He holds my skinny hands to keep them warm, with less food my body temperature can drop at a moments notice, he tells me sweet-nothings and we stay up all night in his dorm talking and laughing. He begs the truth from me, but I have nothing to say. What do I do? I feel as if he knew he would leave…and so many parts of me want him to stay. He makes me smile in ways I can only dream of. He holds me in his arms and we nap between classes. It isn’t physical, in the sense that we are kissing or anything, he just holds me. It’s sweet. Please tell me what I should do about telling him versus not telling him.

All my love,
American Girl

Sorry I have missed a day or so, I went home to visit my family for the weekend and got caught up in the emotions of it all. I’m happy to report that within the past 2 days I have kept down a total of 2 meals, which is actually an accomplishment if you go by my standards. It was amazing, I actually cried because I was so proud of myself. The first meal was this delicious prime rib and baked potato from my favorite steakhouse, it seemed a shame to waste all the money my father spent on it, and the second was donuts I had this morning, those were just too delicious to not keep in my stomach. It was really hard, and it took a lot of water to wash it all down and keep it down but all in all I’m happy I did it. That didn’t keep me from looking in the mirror just recently though, sadly, none of my other meals made the cut yet again. But, when I started to think about my body I made a jump for my MacBook to write some more to keep my mind off of it.

I have decided that from now on whenever I look into the mirror I will tell myself that I am beautiful, and that I don’t need this to be that way. It’s hard though, to look at yourself and see a picture that no one else does. I was looking at some photographs taken by some of my more artistic friends and I see such a small girl, but when I look in the mirror I don’t see that at all. I wish I could understand what that’s all about…how can I see one person, but everyone else see another? I just knew if I could see this skinny girl I would feel better, get better, love myself more. I weighed myself today, and it only feeds the fire, 109 pounds. My mom says I look sick. I’m only afraid that it will be harder to stay in control when I leave tomorrow.

Hope you all are well, more later!

All my love,
American Girl